Circle of compliments
By: Maria
Hoisington, CRISPAZ Compañera (long-term volunteer)
Jenna and I have run art therapy
workshops in the 'El Espino' you detention center with members of the 18th
Street Gang since November of 2011. Our main goal is to provide a space for
self-expression and healing for these boys that have suffered so much trauma
and loss in their lives. They blur the line between "victim" and
"victimizer", as many of them experienced severe abuse and violence
as children and adolescents before getting involved in the gang life.
El Espino is a complicated place to
work, because although all of the 140 boys are members of the 18th Street Gang,
there are internal divisions and conflicts between sectors. For the past two
months, we have worked with Sector 3, the smallest and most vulnerable sector
that is made up of boys that are isolated because of problems with the gang,
born-again Christians and others that no longer want to continue as active gang
members.
On the last
day of our workshops with Sector 3, we placed the chairs in a circle, all of
them facing inward except one.
"This
is a circle of compliments. Who knows what a compliment is?” we asked.
"It's
what you think of someone!" "It's when you say something nice about
your friend!" "When someone does something you like!"
"Great.
Who would like to go first? Everyone will have the chance to receive
compliments, sitting in the chair with their back facing the group. The rest of
us have the opportunity to compliment him or her if we like."
Silence. Nobody moved. Everyone was embarrassed to go first, most because of the fear that no one would say anything nice about them. They constantly hear negative comments from their peers, family members, society, detention center staff and the courts. You can't do anything right. You deserve to be locked up because of your own bad choices. You're a bad person, you better change. I hope something horrible happens to you. You should have never been born. Even among friends, it is more common to tear each other down than build each other up.
"Ok,
I'll go first. But you guys better say something nice," said one of the
boys, reluctantly. He got up and sat with his back facing the group. Everyone
stared at each other for a moment, until one by one they asked for the marker
that we used as a talking stick. The compliments started pouring out as all of
the boys passed through the hot seat, hearing, but not seeing, their peers as
they showered them with positivity.
"I
admire you. You're walking on God's path and it's not a path for cowards like
me that are active 24/7 in the gang. It's the path of the brave. I envy you
because I haven't been able to make that choice."
"I
don't really know you that well, but one time I was sitting in a corner and I
felt really bad. You came over and asked me what was going on and listened to
my problems. I really appreciated that."
"You're
a great friend and I love you. We do everything here together. We hang out
together, study together, and sleep in the same bed. You always do whatever you
can to make people feel better when they feel sad."
"I'm
gonna tell you the truth, you have an angry temperament. Just as one gospel
hymn says, 'Jesus, make my temperament
more like yours', ask God to help you."
"You're
my homeboy and I love you. We're brothers and we're here together in this
crappy situation, but I know I can count on you for anything."
"I've
only been here for a week, and I barely know you, but I consider you a friend.
Thanks for being so cool with me and helping me not feel so bad in this
place."
"My
brother here is another one of God's sheep, just like me! God is always by your
side, loving you and supporting you. Never lose faith!"
At the end
of the activity, everyone was beaming. Those who at first were shy and
reluctant to speak, in the end eagerly asked for the opportunity to speak about
the positive aspects of their compañeros
and the importance of friendship and honesty. Many of them had never taken the
time to say 'man, you're a good friend, I
really value you,' and enjoyed
giving compliments as much as receiving them.
What can
all of us take away from this experience? There is much we can learn from that
room full of incarcerated boys that overcame fear, mistrust, bitterness, anger
and shyness and showered each other with compliments. We spend so much time and
energy in this life tearing each other down. We critique, judge, and focus on
the negative. What would happen if instead we made a habit of speaking words of
love and support? I love you, I value
you, I admire you, I thank you... Let's try it!
